I don't love you like I love you... yesterday

 

I actually did cut you off. Finally, I did. I confronted myself last night and had a lengthy conversation. Do I believe in marriage? Do I believe in settling down? I finally admitted to myself that I was and will forever be the "non-marrying type"; I feel sorry for giving and pouring out my heart to people who don't deserve my care and sincere love. 

I am writing this here as it is the only safe space where I can feel my emotions. Have the space to let it all out. I don't think that I am insensitive and heartless. I have been crying about you Bambhy, for a long time. You didn't see how I got hurt, too. I have said too many apologies. This time, I would like to apologize to myself for enduring too much. 

You like many others... same promises, but I am hearing it from different people. Do I have any regrets? Sure, I will get hurt. But crying and feeling my emotions due to the loss is normal. I realized that after losing someone who I thought was my greatest love and who would be the end all, be all. Yet, here I am, still alive. 

Kaya rin siguro hindi tugma kasi malaking pagkakasala ung ginawa ko. Umapid ako sa may taong may asawa. Minsan iniisip ko bakit ba ako malapit sa mga babaeng hindi kayang umalis sa comfort zone nila. I got blinded with the fantasy of living together with them and it is twice already. Hay Mara, grabi rin ung pag kauto-uto mo eh. Maganda lang mga muhka nila pero in reality they don't have the balls. Yung isa excuse na lang kasi hindi pwedeng broken family. Ito namang last hindi makaalis ng bahay kasi guguluhin daw ni Kalbo. If I know you don't have the money to move out or even start from scratch. At least, on my end I was able to prove to you that work - bahay lang ako and that I can move away from my home. Minsan ayaw mo rin aminin na takot ka iwan ang nakasanayan mo. 

Which leads me to --- Part of my letting go process is to admit that muhka kang pera. You are friends with Grace kasi may financer ka. You are still with Nolan because you don't have a roof over your head. Your life is in Olongapo, hindi mo iiwan yan not unless may financer ka na kaya kang ibahay at ibigay needs nyo ni Mat. Again, no different from the ex before you. 

Do I feel hate? It is not hate; it is indifference. I have this feeling na mas madali akong makakausad. Your son disrespected me. You hold no value to a relationship that I consider as my last. 

I'm all good. I will have to prepare myself to process my emotions and to be mentally prepared for any stress that I might feel. 

Good riddance! 

Shards

 

I am truly a sentimental person. Here I am looking at a photo of you from the first time; we spent the time together. Look at that grin of yours, it's like telling that you are up to something mischievous. 

I guess, how I lost you and the hurt that I caused you hasn't sunk in yet. I felt sadness, disappointment and frustration. Yet, I can't do anything when you say that "you don't want me in your life". Another rejection, the same line said but a different person. 

It seems like 2022, all over again. But I know that this time, it is my fault. I can't seem to contain my curiosity. I can't seem to get a good grip on myself when it comes to relationships. At 40, I should have been stable. 

I think the impact of losing her hasn't fully sunk in yet. I'm starting to hate the holiday season. I can't hate this most joyous season of the year. To be honest, it's not only her that I lost. I lost a family that we were building together. I wish I could fully say that I took her kindness for granted. I truly felt that even if I was healing myself of the trauma and moving on. I loved her the best of my capacity. 

---- let me stop here. I still need to feel my feelings. My loss. 

Lies again?

When I am starting to believe that all are lies. I know that I did a ton shit of things, too but those you have said lately. Do I believe it or do I take it at face value?

I am constantly reminding myself that I am being manipulated as a fuck buddy to you. I am done with that game and if I was younger like in my 20s that wouldn't have been an issue. If you can't be satisfied sexually by your partner then it is not my concern anymore, May. 

You picked her and I am not budging nor am I concerned if there are things she can't give you. IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM.

I am counting 21 days starting today not to contact you. 

SELF:

You are strong-willed. You can do it. You can be a better person. 

You will meet that person who has been praying for you and who deserves the love you can give selflessly. 

Kapit lang. You can do it!

Hey Self, You Can Do This!

 The real truth is, I have fallen out of love since 2020 but I was holding back because I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid of losing you and the way I pictured you in my head after every break-up isn't reality. 

I should stop obsessing and fantasizing about you, May. I cannot stay in the past and must live on with the present. You have found love in someone else's arms. 

I know that it will take time for me to completely forget you but I should follow the "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" thing. I should also stop and control my ADHD by telling you things first. I have always been like that... I love how you would be the first one to know new things I've learned, work offers etc. I should stop it. 

I should stop analyzing and finding reasons why it didn't work out. You are right, my actions didn't relate to the words I have been saying. For I knew, the love wasn't there and the mind and the body were doing it out of habit and routine. 

You were my hard lesson, really you were. 

I know I am not perfect

Hi May, 

How have you been? Happy advance 40th Birthday! It's been months since the last time I sent a message. I am not sure if this would go directly to your inbox or spam. But I hope all is well, I no longer want to text you further out of respect for your new relationship. I don't even know if this would even matter to you anymore. By this time, we would have moved on happily with our lives. I want to tell you things that I wasn't able to say to you ages ago. You may be someone from my past now but you did me good, May. You really did. I know my apologies won't matter but at least, I do hope it would help with the trauma that I caused you to heal. I am sorry for letting you feel inadequate and not enough for me. I took you for granted and both our toxicity was amplified thus resulting in how we broke up. I apologize for losing my commitment to you and I wanted you to know that I did care for and love you. 

I did want you to be in my future. To create a future the way you imagine it to be. All the things you wrote about my shortcomings, were the reflection of my insecurities about the relationship we have and the fear of losing you. I didn't show the real feelings I had during that time coz I didn't want you to see me while I am vulnerable. I did not allow boundaries in the relationship that could have helped how we had to deal with conflict and put to resolve it. I know, I like to avoid confrontation or talks and brush it off -- move forward. I should have discussed my insecurity with you and we could have found a solution for it. The lies that I made, I am sorry for telling you lies just to hurt you with the premise that you would stay and love me even further. You also made me feel not enough for you, May. When you compared what I could offer to what Bon was earning and had offered you. Masakit un kasi I know that I can provide naman what your needs were. It wasn't an issue of you being a mother of 3 beautiful children but more of me not understanding the dynamic that you have. It is immature, I know and could have trusted you about it. Everything was so easy back then, I know I was giving you the kind of love that you wanted and along the way, it got lost. 

How I can vividly trace the smile on your face when we're together or doing something we both liked. I miss your smile and the way you would touch my face with so much love and care. How it pains me to see you cry your heart out to beg for me to change and I do the same. It's not that we didn't try, you did and I did try to make it better but it was already too late. Both of us fell out of love. I fell out of love in November of 2021 upon finding out that you were having good conversations with G. I should have let you go the moment you told me that you didn't love me anymore when we were in Boracay. I should have given you your space and freedom already. I am sorry for not being honest with you. I keep circling back to you with the premise of not breaking my promise when it was okay to let it go before it would damage the relationship we had for 3 years. We had good memories, May. It wasn't all that bad, us finding a place where to eat -- how it would make you happy to go somewhere and take a break from everything. Yes, I always found you sexy and not just your beautiful face but how smart you were. ( ginayuma mo talaga ako XD) 

 You did say that you were trying to be happy the last time we sent each other messages and I hope you found the happiness you were looking for. One day, we would forgive each other and I'll always be grateful for you as I would say a hundred times when you came into my life and be my rock during my hardest trials. God has his plans, though not permanent -- it is in my book. I still have a lot of things to fix and get my life on track but I would like to thank you for being a part of it. Though the love isn't there anymore. I want you to know that I care for you always. Be safe, and always stay in love. Thank you so much, Mary Ann Montaller. 

Mara

We Don't Live Here Anymore

I am writing again. I didn't realize that it had been two years since the last time I wrote about anything. Why do I always write about something that is bad in this blog? How long has it been since I had this?

So, on to my yet again sad sappy story. Do you still recall May from my previous posts? Yep, that's the one. This would be my final entry about her. I have seen the red flags since 2019 and still opted to stay. I thought that things could still be worked on between us but I guess --- it wasn't meant to be since the beginning. 

Why didn't I believe in myself back then when I was seeing all the red flags already.  Was I hoping to promise that we would work things out as partners? Even if we did, the relationship was too broken and I don't even know what was holding us back. 

May, bless her soul --- she was always the one who wants to break up every time things don't go her way. I, on the other hand, would always circle back and tell her that we can work things out. (pathetic, I know)

There would be questions that need not be answered, really. The caveat of it was it has ended. Three years from that simple swipe right and a "hi" message from a lesbian dating app. To be honest, it wasn't all that bad... toxic but it was an interesting relationship I've ever been in. I did mention before that I was attracted to how smart she was and our conversations before would go on for hours til the wee hours of the morning. I always love that side of her. 

Then also in 2019, when my mother passed away suddenly and I had no one to turn to. May was my rock during my process of grieving and it all spiralled til I got lost. Well, I think until now I am still lost -- I can't seem to know what goals are. Oh, wait -- I know what I want if that is considered a goal but I can't seem to do it. (My procrastination will be written some other time) 

The Cheater and Her New Lover

So, where was I again? Ah, the last quarter of 2019. Things were already turning sour back then but we still ended up being together despite the fact that we broke up more than twice. 2020 came by and the pandemic added to the strain of our thin-lined relationship. Until the line did break. We're still talking and acting like a couple don't get me wrong but I knew that we would be holding on to it til it's gone. 

2021, I should have just moved on and not circled back again to our pitiful relationship. Then comes G, entering the picture back in September. I cannot comprehend why May would still want me when she wants to try another relationship with someone new. To say that she would like to work things out with me is a complete bull. Because if we were or if she did, she would talk to me about it. I try to open this up with her but she would tell me to stop and move forward. 

I won't go into further details, my brain is too whacked that it only remembers now bits and pieces of what is happening. I was slowly fading away from the picture this year. She planned my birthday out of town but it was only for her own benefit which sucks. I planned for her birthday out of town, I had some fun but in totally she helped a lot in ruining that memory. I planned an out-of-town trip -- originally intended just for the two of us but she invited a friend. I didn't complain and went through with it. 

We really now ended things back in August, when I had the courage this time to ask if there is still love for me and her obvious reply was a no. I get that, I would have walked away quietly and with no resistance. But as you can see in that photo, she is now dating G from last year. Ain't that shit, right? 

All this time, they have been talking and I was the stupid person who didn't have an idea. But oh, I did.

I caught May and snooping her phone and seeing that conversation she had with G. Ain't that a bitch. So that is my story of the cheating EX. 

When it finally meets its end.

 Funny how the weather perfectly coincides with what I am currently feeling. Finally, we've come to terms, no matter how hard we tried. It will never work. Break-ups came too often and I wasn't quite sure if that was even normal. 

I fully accepted your situation and your set-up. Interestingly enough our discussions are not about it but rather on shallow talks. 

Dear Self,

You have loved and lost. It is fine and you will get through it. Please do not think that you are alone now. There are some who still care for you and loves you unconditionally. Relationships fail because it has a reason. It teaches us that we may be broken but can pick the pieces of who we are.

Please keep moving forward and strive to be a better person.