Hey Self, You Can Do This!

 The real truth is, I have fallen out of love since 2020 but I was holding back because I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid of losing you and the way I pictured you in my head after every break-up isn't reality. 

I should stop obsessing and fantasizing about you, May. I cannot stay in the past and must live on with the present. You have found love in someone else's arms. 

I know that it will take time for me to completely forget you but I should follow the "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" thing. I should also stop and control my ADHD by telling you things first. I have always been like that... I love how you would be the first one to know new things I've learned, work offers etc. I should stop it. 

I should stop analyzing and finding reasons why it didn't work out. You are right, my actions didn't relate to the words I have been saying. For I knew, the love wasn't there and the mind and the body were doing it out of habit and routine. 

You were my hard lesson, really you were. 

I know I am not perfect

Hi May, 

How have you been? Happy advance 40th Birthday! It's been months since the last time I sent a message. I am not sure if this would go directly to your inbox or spam. But I hope all is well, I no longer want to text you further out of respect for your new relationship. I don't even know if this would even matter to you anymore. By this time, we would have moved on happily with our lives. I want to tell you things that I wasn't able to say to you ages ago. You may be someone from my past now but you did me good, May. You really did. I know my apologies won't matter but at least, I do hope it would help with the trauma that I caused you to heal. I am sorry for letting you feel inadequate and not enough for me. I took you for granted and both our toxicity was amplified thus resulting in how we broke up. I apologize for losing my commitment to you and I wanted you to know that I did care for and love you. 

I did want you to be in my future. To create a future the way you imagine it to be. All the things you wrote about my shortcomings, were the reflection of my insecurities about the relationship we have and the fear of losing you. I didn't show the real feelings I had during that time coz I didn't want you to see me while I am vulnerable. I did not allow boundaries in the relationship that could have helped how we had to deal with conflict and put to resolve it. I know, I like to avoid confrontation or talks and brush it off -- move forward. I should have discussed my insecurity with you and we could have found a solution for it. The lies that I made, I am sorry for telling you lies just to hurt you with the premise that you would stay and love me even further. You also made me feel not enough for you, May. When you compared what I could offer to what Bon was earning and had offered you. Masakit un kasi I know that I can provide naman what your needs were. It wasn't an issue of you being a mother of 3 beautiful children but more of me not understanding the dynamic that you have. It is immature, I know and could have trusted you about it. Everything was so easy back then, I know I was giving you the kind of love that you wanted and along the way, it got lost. 

How I can vividly trace the smile on your face when we're together or doing something we both liked. I miss your smile and the way you would touch my face with so much love and care. How it pains me to see you cry your heart out to beg for me to change and I do the same. It's not that we didn't try, you did and I did try to make it better but it was already too late. Both of us fell out of love. I fell out of love in November of 2021 upon finding out that you were having good conversations with G. I should have let you go the moment you told me that you didn't love me anymore when we were in Boracay. I should have given you your space and freedom already. I am sorry for not being honest with you. I keep circling back to you with the premise of not breaking my promise when it was okay to let it go before it would damage the relationship we had for 3 years. We had good memories, May. It wasn't all that bad, us finding a place where to eat -- how it would make you happy to go somewhere and take a break from everything. Yes, I always found you sexy and not just your beautiful face but how smart you were. ( ginayuma mo talaga ako XD) 

 You did say that you were trying to be happy the last time we sent each other messages and I hope you found the happiness you were looking for. One day, we would forgive each other and I'll always be grateful for you as I would say a hundred times when you came into my life and be my rock during my hardest trials. God has his plans, though not permanent -- it is in my book. I still have a lot of things to fix and get my life on track but I would like to thank you for being a part of it. Though the love isn't there anymore. I want you to know that I care for you always. Be safe, and always stay in love. Thank you so much, Mary Ann Montaller. 

Mara

Two Rings

Love is genuinely blind until you bump your head against the wall. It was quite a love story from how it started last year to how it ended a day ago. 

Aiyanar Resort April 2019

I was sceptical of online dating that would turn into a real-life relationship. So, I created an account in HER (sans FB for lesbians) to check out what that is. Besides, a friend of mine advised that I use it to "possibly" start dating again. Yes, I was single for about 3 - 5 years and I was totally fine with it!  Then I met May, conversation-wise she was pretty smart and we would go talk or text for a couple of hours topics about the current books that were read to our favourites. It was a good-to-know stage; we were both comfortable with one another. After 23 days, somehow feelings were starting to build up. We then decided to finally meet in person; at a cafe (a noisy one) somewhere in QC. We had a good laugh and a time well spent. 

Fast forward to a few weeks. Officially, we are now a couple! Talking about our future together and our plans. Those were good plans, things were going well not until someone from my past made a brief appearance but that is another story. My mother suddenly passed away last year. It was hard since my mother was everything to me. May was there throughout my grieving process and never left me. For that alone, I would always be grateful to her. Months have passed, and my perception of the honeymoon stage is about all the cheesy and sweet parts of it. My expectations were completely different from what has happened. Never in a month did we fight, argue and bicker. Trust me, it was getting tiresome and exhausting. 

A year passed of being together, and there was a renewed hope that things would be better. There's a saying that love is sweeter the second time around, right? But I was wrong, instead of getting better, it got worse. The arguments happened more often, as what May said "we will pause for a bit but will pick it up again.". 

We had a couple rings, you know. As a sign that we both are keepers throughout our ups and downs. She threw hers out of sheer anger towards me. Mine, on the other hand, was safely stowed away. I guess that was already a sign of a strained relationship. I don't believe in it but I guess... It really did happen. Our relationship is quite rare, not an ordinary pun intended. I know for myself that I am not a "kabit" or a "home wrecker" but I was at a point where I felt like I was one. May's relationship with her former partner was already strained ages ago and that her true sexuality was discussed as well as accepted. I appreciate the guy for letting me and May be in a relationship. Come to think of it, the setup was not a fit for me. I am certain that I was able to handle it but eventually it caused doubts. 

The two rings were a representation of our unwavering love and full trust as well as respect for one another. Those rings are meaningless accessories now, they have lost their meaning. 

I love May and she will always hold a special place in my life. But as to any failed relationships, she will just be another chapter in my life.