Shards

 

I am truly a sentimental person. Here I am looking at a photo of you from the first time; we spent the time together. Look at that grin of yours, it's like telling that you are up to something mischievous. 

I guess, how I lost you and the hurt that I caused you hasn't sunk in yet. I felt sadness, disappointment and frustration. Yet, I can't do anything when you say that "you don't want me in your life". Another rejection, the same line said but a different person. 

It seems like 2022, all over again. But I know that this time, it is my fault. I can't seem to contain my curiosity. I can't seem to get a good grip on myself when it comes to relationships. At 40, I should have been stable. 

I think the impact of losing her hasn't fully sunk in yet. I'm starting to hate the holiday season. I can't hate this most joyous season of the year. To be honest, it's not only her that I lost. I lost a family that we were building together. I wish I could fully say that I took her kindness for granted. I truly felt that even if I was healing myself of the trauma and moving on. I loved her the best of my capacity. 

---- let me stop here. I still need to feel my feelings. My loss.