On dating apps...

Before 2018 ended, I signed up for two dating apps. Reason? Just checking it out, to get possible matches. Expanding my network, getting to know new people and by some miracle might get a chance for a possible intimate relationship. 

By the time, I completed signing up. I got a few matches already. From those dating apps, I have met 4 smart and beautiful women. Three of course, unfortunately, weren't successful. one became a friend, the other called me intense and the third just faded into the background.  The fourth one... let's say we fell in love rather quickly. It was more of a roller coaster ride for both of us. She really is quite something. I never thought that out of her complicated life I would fall madly in love with her. Is it even possible to fall in love with someone in 23 days? I, myself was quite surprised. Love is Love. It does come in all shapes and complexities. 

May was different from all the women that I dated before. She was smart, strong-willed and knew what she wants kind of woman. She had taught me about superficialities and I was completely smitten by her. Who would have thought that a few days after I would be in a commitment? Nonetheless, a commitment that is bound for a lifetime.

May have seen me at my worst and at my best. She stayed when all was crumbling around me. For that; I would always appreciate her kind heart and love. For all the things, that she could give me whether it may be little or big. I understand her sacrifices and never have I questioned them. 

Just like any couple, we both have our ups and downs. However, somewhere along our relationship... I felt that there was a disconnect. All of a sudden; what we say or do ends up being misconstrued. Up until now, I do still have that lingering question of when and why. When all the smallest things become a big deal. I would try to laugh it off since I don't find it irrelevant in our relationship. 

I would love to ask her a question about whether she is still happy or if is she staying out of convenience? I have repeated over and over that I am not someone who would easily fall prey to cheating. But why does it seem that she feels like I will cheat on her? Am I wrong to think that lovers, partners and best friends are allowed to be given space and time to grow? Not only for themselves but as an individual too. Am I the only one seeing this picture? Am I being insensitive to her feelings? Do I not see that even though she does not want to admit that she fears losing me because there is space is being asked? 

Now, as of this writing. I am starting to question if I am still in a healthy relationship? Is May still someone I see in my future? If so, please help me... help us to fix what needs to be fixed. I am about to give up and at the brink of letting go.