Guilty Conscience

Now this is what they call manic depression? I have caught it; the relationship was very much different from a romantic relationship coz it was more than that. It hurts more since the person/s I’ve hurt are those who really believed in me. I guess…I was really born with an I.Q. of a three year old child. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! The academic realm was not really for me, I think I’d rather be a street-smart college drop – out. I just can’t fathom the idea that I’m in the same place with the ones I’ve hurt. It’s already enough for me that I bear my pain. It is already my burden; I wanted to redeem myself in another way. The educational institution is just there; waiting for their lost sheep to come back to them. I will just wait for my time before I could go back there. I’ll have to work my ass off to get a chance again of studying.

She was so good to me, she believed in me like no other person could. But I broke that trust, for doing a stupid a mistake…for not admitting the mistake I did even before my academic judgment has begun. Even though, she’s not telling me what she really feels…I could feel her pain and anger. She protected me and defended me but I was too busy saving my ass from the mistake I did. I deserve every tongue – lashing and physical pain that can be inflicted on me but she never did that…I was killed by her goodness to me despite what happened. She talked to me kindly that her credibility was never ruined, but for me it was ruined. I ruined it for her.

Depression is eating me alive; I don’t even want to leave my room, not even my bed I find solace in these four walled area; sulking myself in this eternal darkness. I thought that I was a hard stone that cannot be damaged but was wrong, so wrong. My hands tremble whenever I remember that dreadful Saturday, the sleepless nights, the loss of appetite and the loss of the reason for living. I don’t want to look or even use my mobile it only reminds me of her. I know I can never turn back the time…and know that I could never ever regain the trust she gave me and I know I can never go back there again. How do I end this misery, I am a sore loser when emotions is the topic. “I saw an arcane glimpse of the world” the tragedies and the never – ending mishaps that I always get myself into. If God can really hear me…I hope tomorrow I don’t wake up anymore, I hope that the vehicle I’m riding gets into an accident and I’m the only one killed. I wish we had gun here and loaded, I only need to do is pull the trigger. I wish there was a strong poisonous liquid that I can gulp up that can instantly kill me. Kill me that my unjustifiable existence may end.





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I Have Become What I’ve Always Hated

Holy eyes bring back one
Never if you only trust your separation
I believe and then
I'll try to give in
Is one fall already bad?
Seems far, but it's true
Whoever told you that
We will find a way to be this way
It's true, whoever told you that
Its fine to walk right outta control
It's true, whoever told you that
That’s fine I hope the best for you
It's true, whoever told you that
We try the best to be the best but look what you've done
We are respiratory
We take violence in stride
We are respiratory
We are never to fall
We are the only story, intriguing myth
We told it twice before and I
I believe and then
I'll try to give in
We owe the attention for
Seems far, but it's true