Squeezing one’s Mortality

If I would end my life, whether now or some point in the near future? Would it make any difference? Will I make a deep impact to those who in one point at a time I left a mark? My mind in confusion…I can’t think of any paradoxical meaning in my life. I do not have any reasons that are enough to wake me up in my senses. No inspiration, that can make me realize that I do have worth. I had enough of my fair share in life. I am fed up with all the bullshit that I am thrown at. Sick and tired with the same ritual, same cycle that I’ve been into for the past 22 years of my existence. Just give me one fucking reason to stay…make me have a sound mind again. I am full of angst right now! I cuss about everything I do, I see and hear. Would it be better, if I could have been locked up in an institution where I could create my own little happy world?
Let me see a shrink, I need a re – evaluation of my mental and emotional capabilities. I am totally lost, I do not know myself!!! I am so fucked up! I couldn’t think straight! I need an emotional pillow that I can hug, when everything and everyone seems to be bleak and confusing for my delusional mind to comprehend. I grew up where anger is always present; hatred was the main course of one’s mortality. I have always been a good actor; I always make sure that my mask is put on, so that nobody can see my real weakness, the fears, and emotional breakdowns. Though, I am really blessed of having good, real and supportive “friends”. I am grateful, for they have been there when I needed someone to talk to. When no other people can understand, about who and what I am. But this is my own battle, my greatest battle with myself… and I think I am on the losing edge. I could not continue this anymore, if there is really a Divine One up there. My only wish is that if this lifetime isn’t for me…then might as well end it now…For I do not wish to stay any longer.
I am sorry, if I had written this, without prior notice. This is my only outlet, my only voice. I know that I do not make any sense here. I just want someone to listen, understand. I do not need any of your sympathy. It is not the reason why I wrote this. I just want to voice out what my heart and mind is telling me. My heart already bleeds, brain is almost dead. I do not feel anything, I am stoned. I AM DEAD.